


Post Siberia

by Stachmou77



Series: Steve Whump (Stuckony) [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:15:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28488165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stachmou77/pseuds/Stachmou77
Summary: Bucky and Tony are in a relationship together. They both are pining for Steve who is blinded by torment and own insecurities.He is slowly reaching his tipping point or maybe is he already free falling. Bucky and Tony may lose everything before they even get to act.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Steve Whump (Stuckony) [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1956520
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	1. Lumberjack Steve

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, this one is heavy on the angst. 
> 
> Steve has PTSD, there is a brief mention of a suicidal attempt, and it's heavy on the self-deprication. If it's not your cup of tea. Please don't read it. I don't want to trigger anyone.
> 
> For the others, enjoy!

_**Post Siberia** _

STEVE

Steve walked down the street following Bucky and Tony quietly. He had been so sure that Bucky would have spotted him from the get-go, but no. Bucky was engrossed in his conversation with Tony that his entire body was lax. After all of these years and even after Hydra, Steve knew the signs that Bucky was alert or suspicious. Here and now, he was not. Despite the crowd around them and the numerous people gawking as they watched the Winter Solder and Iron Man walk hand in hand down the street.

Steve took a deep breath and slowed down. He pushed his beanie down his head and kept his walk as normal as possible. The last thing he wanted was to be stopped by a fan. His face grew warm at the idea of Bucky or Tony finding out he was stalking them.

Was that the right thing to do?

No.

Would he still do it?

Yes.

After Siberia Tony and Steve had a rocky start. The anger that Tony had held against Steve hadn’t melt right away. Whatever Steve did, Tony didn’t like it. At the beginning, Steve used to skip team bonding sessions because he didn’t want to ruin the teams nights. Tony complained every single time about it. When Steve had been there and stayed silent, Tony had taken his muteness for disdain.

Steve, who had never backed down in front of any challenge, stayed as passive and normal as possible. He knew that Tony’s anger was rational, and it was his fault for the separation of the team. He also knew that Bucky needed help and he hadn’t wanted to jeopardize that. Although Tony would have never attacked Bucky based on Steve’s actions and Steve knew it.

All his fears had not been rational at the time. They all mashed up together and created a bigger monster. Something he wasn’t sure to be able to fight on his own. Or even with help.

He hadn’t tried to talk about it to Sam because he was his friend and not his therapist. It didn’t help that Sam had taken a liking for Bucky and seem to enjoy their time together more than with Steve.

That again was a problem.

Steve was jealous and paranoid. His anxiety was through the roof and he found himself fidgeting so much it was becoming a burden during their missions. No amount of rationalization and yoga helped. He was slowly spiraling and no one, not even Nat’ saw right through his mask.

Steve brought his hands to his face and tried to warm them. He checked again behind and around him if anyone had recognized him and slowly accelerated when Bucky and Tony turned to the right.

The problem…the bigger problem was that after a few months of watching everyone bond together as if the fight in Berlin didn’t happen, Steve had yet to find his place.

Soon after the team was reunited, Tony had replaced Steve as the leader of the team. He was now the one coordinating them. He had optimized and updated all the programs for the team and their individual workout regimen. He had outdone himself – surprise - to the point that Steve could only compare each of their work.

He remembered that night clearly. The one where Tony had sent to each of them their personal program. Steve had taken the entire night to analyze each difference between what he’d done as a leader and what Tony succeeded in doing. All the flaws in his programs jumped to his eyes and became painfully obvious. He should have noticed them back then, but didn’t, because he was too dumb compared to Tony.

Tony the futurist.

Tony, the man who created the iron man suit in a cave with scraps.

And then, there was Steve.

If it hadn’t been for the serum, he would have either died from one of his many fights or from his ailments alone.

Truly, Tony had been right; there was nothing special about him.

Never have been, never would.

At the end of this particular night, Steve had found himself sitting on the tub, Bucky’s favorite knife in hand. He still didn’t know how he’d found it or even why he’d been in the bathroom in the first place.

After this incident, Steve went to a psychologist. Not anyone from S.H.I.E.L.D. He hadn’t trusted them at all since they found out that S.H.I.E.L.D was HYDRA. Steve’s trust even in Fury had been replaced to an overall disdain. He didn’t trust them one bit. For all he knew, the psychologists gave reports to Fury or whoever was in command.

He imagined their face if they found out that he was dealing with suicide ideation, severe depression, anxiety, PTSD and body dysmorphia. They wouldn’t even trust him with the shield. They already didn’t trust him to lead the team.

He let out a humorless laugh.

It took him long, but he finally found a good psychologist. A woman in her 50’s who looked as young as him. Her office had felt like home. Home like in the 20’s with his ma’. Something he thought he’d lost forever. And all of that was recreated only with warm colors and beautiful orchids.

The first session happened in a blur. His head had barely touched the pillow of her couch that the first tears had flowed down as he heavily sobbed. He didn’t remember if he even talked to her or only cried during an hour straight. He hadn’t felt ashamed at all for showing his weaknesses. Not like with other specialists.

Everyone expected Captain America to be Steve Rogers. No one really understood that he still felt like the skinny, sick, little guy whose life expectancy was way too low.

The only thing that made him come back for another session was her smile. She hadn’t pitied him, nor had she offered some bland reassurances. She had only waved at him and told him to come back a few days later. For once in his life, he hadn’t protested.

Steve slowed down and watched as Bucky opened the door for Tony. He looked on the opposite side of the restaurant and found a small building. He nodded to himself and went to the back alley next to the small building. Thanks the Lord for small mercies, it wasn’t tall enough that Steve wouldn’t be able to spy on Bucky and Tony.

Steve made his way up easily. He didn’t see anyone on his path and there were no cameras inside. He swiftly opened the door to the rooftop, walked slowly to the edge and sat down. He grabbed his binoculars from his backpack and put them on.

It didn’t take a long time before his eyes found Tony and Bucky, already eating their entrées. Steve let out a controlled exhaled and steadied himself.

He watched how Bucky laughed at something Tony said. He watched as Tony leaned forward and smiled carefree, his thumb caressing the top of Bucky’s hand.

Steve inhaled on the count of three.

Bucky tilted his head and stared at Tony with something akin to love.

Steve exhaled on the count of three.

Tony brought Bucky’s hand to his lips and kissed it.

Steve rolled on his back and stared at the night sky. He let go his grip on the binoculars and dragged his hand on the rough floor.

He was okay.

He was in New-York.

He was okay.

He was in New-York.

Steve closed his eyes.

He still didn’t know why he accepted their offer. While Steve and Tony had tried to mend their broken relationship, Bucky and Tony had created a fresh one. Something that wasn’t built on lies and insults and abuse. Tony had easily forgiven Bucky. He had opened up to him in the same way he had for Steve.

Gone was the Bucky who was the shadow of himself. It didn’t take long before he caught up on the new technologies and soon enough Tony and he were thick as thieves, spending hours long in the workshop.

Steve had been happy. Really. And maybe he was still a bit. Seeing Bucky evolve and create his own happiness was his main mission and had been since Bucky went to Wakanda in the cryo. Steve had vowed to make everything right for him.

Bucky deserved so much.

So yeah, at first Steve had been so happy to see him heal even if Tony barely talked to Steve. Months went on and his happiness melted slowly and revealed darker feelings. Bucky and he grew apart. He spent less time with Steve. Old school Steve. Ignorant Steve. Oblivious Steve. Stubborn Steve. He knew he had a lot to learn about this new century and maybe he was a bit slow compared to Bucky, but Steve tried.

He spent nights reading about this century and the new technologies and it still felt as if his was slacking. Compared to Bucky, Steve felt his age. The only subjects he understood correctly and excelled were arts, war and farming. He had taking a liking for the wildlife and would devore books about it. He went every weekend to a farm and helped farmers when they needed. He went to workshops on how to take care of plants, orchids, trees, animals.

He kept it secret. It had been one of the many subjects he talked to the psychologist. They - he - had come to the conclusion that he was afraid to reveal this secret of his because he didn’t think Bucky nor Tony would support him. And since it was the hobby he was enjoying the most, he kept it close to his heart.

So, it came as a surprise when months later, Tony and Bucky came at him and asked him to be with them. Steve hadn’t been too shocked. He’d already seen them kiss and heard some moans from across his room when they stumbled drunk onto his floor. What had been a bit more surprising was their proposition. Steve hadn’t let himself dream too much and had asked them more about it.

It seemed that he had been right to not hope because what they proposed was a threesome. Nothing more.

Steve accepted.

He didn’t ask for any explanations. He didn’t ask them why they thought it was a good idea, if they had noticed his feelings for them, if they even had feelings for him...

Just a simple yes came out of his mouth.

It would be a lie to say that their “relationship” blossomed quickly into something more substantial. Tony and Bucky still went on dates and spent most of their time together. Only when they wanted to spice things up, they included him in their plans. His time spend with Bucky alone slowly declined to none and Tony…Steve only dared to think that they were friends. Not at the same level as Rhodey or Pepper and now Bucky.

Once upon a time he may have been on his way to this level of closeness with Tony.

Once upon a time Tony and Steve were meant to be, they said.

Steve didn’t know why he followed them on this particular night. Actually, he knew. He knew all the reasons why. First, it was his mom’s death anniversary and back when Bucky was Bucky, he promised Steve to always be there for him on this day. Second, a few days earlier Bucky came to him and asked for the wedding ring of his dead dad.

There again, Steve had been proud of his reaction, or lack of. He had unclasped the necklace where his dog tags and the ring were dangling and handed the ring to Bucky who had seemed surprised. Before he could ask questions about it, Steve had cut him off and congratulated him for making an honest man out of Tony.

Bucky had seemed uncomfortable and somewhat sad. Steve wasn’t really sure. It may have been wishful thinking from his part. Maybe Bucky had been uncomfortable and sad because he could see right through all of the protective layers of Steve’s façade and could read all the love, he felt for both of them.

The day after, Steve had another session with his psychologist. It proved to be helpful. She helped him sort his feelings out and find new ways to cope. At the end of their hour the only solution he came up with was to reveal his feelings to Bucky and Tony and leave. Completely. Remove himself from situations that’ll lead to more heartache and drama.

Steve knew that there would always be a war. Always be a villain. But Steve wasn’t God. He never claimed to be and sometimes he forgot that his life wasn’t supposed to end in a fight. Not anymore. He wasn’t sick anymore. He wasn’t poor anymore. He paid his debts to the U.S. Army and the society. He fought Hydra and Nazis. He deserved to retire in peace.

That’s why he gave up the shield to Sam. It had been uneventful. Sam had only offered a knowing smile and a few wise sentences. They still would be in contact and Steve would help if something big was to happen. As he sat next to Sam, Steve had found the courage to reveal that he wanted to live in the countryside. He had already bought a farm, one cow, one horse, a few chickens and there were to be plenty dogs and other animals. He had already built his little garden and a beautiful greenhouse. There was everything he had ever wanted in one location.

He owed it to his mom. Sarah Rogers. The most important woman in his life. The one who fought for him tooth and nails and wouldn’t hesitate to slap those who wished death upon Steve sickly body. She would have wanted him to be happy and chase his dreams. She deserved to rest in peace knowing her only son wasn’t in danger anymore and would finally appreciate life.

Sam had stared at him with awe and a hint of understanding. He also promised to visit him as often as he could.

 _“After Captain America, the Nomad, here comes Lumberjack Steve,”_ Sam had laughed as took off running away from Steve.

Steve smiled softly. Lumberjack Steve. He could get used to it. He already had the beard and the clothing didn’t seem too eccentric for him.

He turned around and brought the binoculars to his eyes. It seems that he didn’t miss the final moment. Bucky was already on his knees and whatever he was saying brought tears to Tony’s eyes. Steve breathing resonated in his head. He counted the seconds and felt drifting away the more he waited for Tony’s response.

Tony suddenly looked toward Steve who froze. Although there was no way Tony could see him, Steve felt naked under the intense gaze. Steve drank in the expression on his face as if he’d been the one proposing to him. And oh, he wished Bucky had proposed to him before the war. They hadn’t been together per say. The night before he was drafted away Bucky had given him the ring, promising him that whatever happened they’ll find their way together. Til the end of the line.

Steve remembered their first and last kiss. A soft brush of the lips which deepened into something more.

Tony looked away and said yes.

Steve let out a long sigh. He stood up and made his way back down. As he passed by the window of the restaurant, he stared at them, graving the memory in his mind.

He nodded to himself and walked back to the Tower.

Before leaving the building, he recorded a video for Bucky and Tony. Only to be played when – if they ever asked where he was. He also asked JARVIS to deactivate the trackers and not reveal his address. He didn’t want to see them. The same way Tony had rightfully avoided him for months after Siberia and how Bucky had avoided him while going through therapy. It was time for Steve to put himself first.

He stood in front of the Tower for a couple of minutes saying his last words and left on his motorcycle.


	2. The Sun/Icarus/The sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Bucky/Tony POV after Steve left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I mention that no character is truly reliable? ╰(*°▽°*)╯  
> Keep in mind that Steve hasn't been in the right headspace for a long time and not every of his memories is totally accurate. With that being said, Bucky and Tony are far from being blameless. 
> 
> It's shitty all around.

TONY/BUCKY

The newly engaged couple made their way to the Tower hand in hand. Tony brought his left hand in front of him and analyzed the ring for the umpteenth time.

“It’s gorgeous. Where did you get it?”

Bucky smiled bemused and kissed the top of Tony’s head. “My dad’s ring.”

Tony looked up, surprised. “Your dad’s? How did you find it?”

“Actually, it’s Steve who got it.”

Tony frowned. “Steve? Why would he keep your dad’s ring?”

Bucky shrugged. He also avoided to think of the sudden image that appeared whenever they talked of the ring. A small Steve pressed against him and kissing him within an inch of his life before he went to war. Bucky shrugged the memory away.

“I gave it to him.”

Tony raised an eyebrow skeptical. “You simply gave it to him? And he still got it after the ice.”

“He got it in a necklace with his dog tags.”

Tony’s second eyebrow rose. “Close to his heart.” He said simply.

Bucky already opened his mouth to deny whatever he heard in his voice. “It was the war and I thought I’d never see him—"

“You loved him,” Tony said softly. He didn’t look unhappy about it, just thoughtful.

“Maybe?”

“You are not special for loving Rogers, you know,” Tony joked.

Bucky closed his gaping mouth and stared at Tony as if he’d never seen him before.

“You too?” he squealed.

“Why do you think it was so hard for me after the bunker? I didn’t really care about the fight in itself but the betrayal hurt like a bitch.”

Bucky nodded slowly. “Was that why you offered a threesome with him?”

Tony grimaced. “Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know. I wish it was only for sex. I also didn’t want you to think I didn’t love you because I do. It’s just that we both had fantasies on having a threesome and we both wanted the same person. Easiest problem I’ve ever solved.”

Only Tony would compare their relation to a math problem.

“I’m surprised he said yes.”

“Yes? I’m surprised he didn’t hit us or worse.”

“What can be worse than being hit by a supersoldier.”

Bucky expected Tony to jump of the occasion to joke because both of them had fought Steve at one point of their life. Tony’s smile fell. “Him leaving.”

Bucky chocked on air. He pressed a hand on his sternum and massage the fleeting pain in his chest.

“Same,” Tony said. “I know we already discussed about it and Steve doesn’t seem to feel the same way, but we should ask him anyway. At least we’d know once for all and we’ll be able to move one. Because I don’t know how long either of us could keep our feelings at bay and I’m not sure to be able to put a brave face when he’ll announce us that he wants our arrangement to stop or worse, that he found someone.”

Bucky shuddered at the thought. He bit his lip, stressed. “I think he knows we are getting married. We have to tell him as soon as possible. But I hope I’m wrong…”

“We’ll tell him tomorrow. Right before he normally goes running,” Tony firmly concluded.

Bucky nodded.

That night as they made love and even lost in the throes of passion, Bucky and Tony thought of Steve.

The next day came faster than expected. Bucky and Tony made their way still half-asleep and sore to the communal room. Tony looked up again and asked JARVIS what time it was.

“7h06, Sir.”

Bucky frowned and shared a look with Tony. “JARVIS, where is Steve?”

“Mister Rogers is gone.”

“What do you mean, J?”

“Mister Rogers left the Tower last night.”

Bucky and Tony shared a concern look. Before any of them could ask more questions, JARVIS continued.

“Mister Rogers has left video for both of you. If you could please go to your floor.”

Definitely curious and anxious, they both made their way to the penthouse.

The video started as soon as they both sat down. Steve face appeared perfectly in front of them. He wasn’t facing the camera but the window on his side, so they only saw the side of his face.

They both waited with bated breath.

“Bucky you always said that I had a way with words. Especially speeches but now I feel at lost. There are a lot of things I wish I could say perfectly and a lot more I wish I didn’t have to express.” Steve looked down. “I fell in love with you, both of you. I already loved you before the war, Buck. You were always it for me so when you gave me your father’s ring, I thought we’d be together till the end. That night, I shared my only and first kiss with you. I never truly wanted anyone except you until 70 years later when I met a famous futurist and genius. Tony, I also fell in love with you. With Bucky it has been a slow burning love. Something that was always there and that was so deep each breath that I drew reminded me of him.”

Tony tightened his grip on Bucky’s hand.

“Tony…loving you was…was like a freefall. And God I know a lot about those.” Steve smiled knowingly. Tony and Bucky chuckled. “I lost control, felt the adrenaline run through my veins every day during each of our interaction. It was like a flame that burned so fast I thought it’d die as fast. But it kept getting stronger and bigger and I feared. I feared that I’d become Icarus and I’d burn getting that close to you. And then…” Steve cleared his throat. “And then there was the whole Project Insight mess.”

Steve grimaced.

“I’m really sorry Tony. I know you said you forgave me, but I need to say it again.” Steve turned toward them and stared at them. “For a long time, I wished I’d done differently. I’d tell you earlier and I’d provide a shoulder for you to cry but we all know I took all the stupid with me and I ended up hurting both of you. Nothing hurt me more than being in the same building as both and not seeing you. I knew you had both your reasons. I knew I was overbearing and clingy, Buck. And it slowed down your healing. I know I should have been able to treat you differently, but I recognized I failed miserably. So…I was happy when you too linked up and fell in love. My two best fellas together. I hadn’t felt that happy and at peace than when you announced you were dating.”

Steve took a small pause and looked away. Bucky swallowed with difficulty trying to get his thoughts right. There was something wrong. In the deep pit of his stomach, he felt unease. At the same time, he wanted to scream at Steve that he was sorry. That it had been complicated at first and that he hadn’t wanted to hurt him at all.

“Am I the only one or does it seem that Steve is saying goodbye?”

Bucky nodded

Before Bucky could say something, Steve spoke.

“And then you asked me to have sex with both of you and I jumped on the opportunity. I knew you didn’t love me that way. I didn’t fit with neither of you. You both had so much in common. I was always in the back trying to understand each reference, each inside joke…it didn’t matter. You surely didn’t realize that I didn’t come with you anymore or tried to spend time with you. So, I tried to make up with sex –”

Tony audibly gasped. Bucky’s brain went blank. What did Steve just say? Bucky and Tony shared a concern look.

“- If I was not smart enough or important enough than I’d make sure to be good at sex.” He chuckled bitterly. “Would you even believe If I said it’d been my first time with anyone.”

“What the fuck…” Bucky whispered, now frowning. He glanced at Tony. His face was now closed. He wasn’t yet frowning but there was some anger and impatience in the way his left eye twitched. His entire frame vibrated under the tension. Bucky’s fingers itched to massage the knots away.

“Did you know that?” Tony said through gritted teeth.

“No!” Bucky exclaimed, abashed. “I would have…it was his first time and we treated him like a…” Bucky felt nauseous. It hadn’t happened since the fall from the train. After the war and brainwashing he never truly was in tune with his emotions. A lot of things that should have made him react didn’t anymore. He hadn’t really cared at first. There were some visceral emotions that led to an equally visceral physical reaction and Bucky didn’t miss any of them.

“…an experienced sub,” Tony concluded.

Bucky gagged as the cherish memory of their first time together invaded his mind. Had he asked Steve if it was okay before taking him? He didn’t remember if they had prepared Steve enough. The entire ordeals seemed fuzzy. Had Steve even climaxed? Bucky remembered that when Tony had tried to jerk Steve off, he had flinched away pretexting being oversensitive. Had that been the truth?

“Are you okay?” Tony asked concerned.

Bucky avoided his lover’s eyes. “I don’t think he ejaculated.”

Tony stared at him silently.

“Tony, I don’t think…what if he didn’t appreciate? What if we raped him?”

“What? No…he said…he said…he gave us his explicit consent.”

It was the first time he saw Tony at loss.

“Do you remember the way he flinched when we tried to touch him the next day? He didn’t even let us clean him—”

“He would have told us—”

“The same way he told us he loved us and that he was a virgin.”

If Bucky had only gagged at the thought, Tony lurched forward, grabbing the bin next to the couch and retched. Bucky stayed still, eyes forward. He clenched and relaxed his hands.

Breath in. Breath out.

He stood up and walked to the kitchen to retrieve some lemonade for Tony. When he entered the living room again, Tony had discarded the bin and was leaning back, eyes staring at the ceiling. Bucky handed the glass. Tony muttered a small thank you and sipped silently.

The silence sat heavily between them. Tony played with the glass and downed it in one go. Bucky refrained to express his concerned. He knew Tony was now in the wrong headspace. Even the small innocuous remark would create a snowball effect and Tony would attack him. Bucky wasn’t sure if he himself wouldn’t do the same.

Bucky observed Tony for any hint, but his fiancée didn’t even look his way. His jaw was clenched and gone the ghost of happiness. He looked as serious as when he had to discuss with investors. Calm. Cold. Distant.

Bucky, who has learned to know him for the past couple of months knew it was only a façade. Deep down, the video has shaken his foundation and left him raw. Even at the beginning of their friendship, Tony had voiced his concern about Steve. Tony hadn’t wanted for him to be excluded or think it was a kind of revenge against him. Tony hadn’t wanted for Steve to feel left out even though he had his own issues to work on. If Bucky hadn’t understood at first, because Steve was still the same oblivious, stubborn, strong man he had always been - considering the few memories Bucky got back -, Bucky ended up noticing some traits he’d never attributed to Steve. All the cracks, all the signs that he wasn’t as okay as he let people know.

Bucky should have acted then. He had known that Steve wasn’t faring well, and his only response had been to stay away to protect himself. He hadn’t been really stable at the time and knew he couldn’t help Steve. Now, he wished he had been there for him too. He had let himself swept by the novelty of his relationship with Tony and tried to persuade himself that Steve had Sam. So, there was no need for him to stay until he was stable.

Bucky hadn’t handled well all of the allusions about the past…if he had to be frank, seeing Steve on the daily even when he didn’t talk to him pained him. His best-friend, later lover, was the symbol of a past Bucky hadn’t remembered or hadn’t wanted to remember just yet. Ignorance had been his best coping mechanism until Tony had come to him and made him open up.

Bucky grabbed Tony’s hand and kissed his knuckles, trying to swallow his guilt. It wasn’t like how he envisioned their first day as fiancés.

He sighed and asked for JARVIS to play the rest of the video.

Steve shook his head. “After that, things went spiraling down. I got lost in the feelings and I found myself lonelier than ever. I was getting into a dark place emotionally and physically to the point where I’d stop eating and would stay up for days. I could never find the peace I longed for.”

There was a high pitch sound. It took a few seconds for Bucky to understand that it came from his mouth. He clasped a hand on his mouth and forced himself to breath quietly. The tight grasp of Tony’s hand grounded him. It should have been painful on a normal day but at this moment it felt like an anchor.

“And this time I couldn’t ask for anyone’s help. There was no Bucky to chase away my bullies. Only myself. This time I was on my own. And then things kept getting for the worse. Tony, you became the leader of the team. I was…I’m really happy that you are, really. After seeing you struggle through all your insecurities it refreshing to see you shine.”

Steve turned his head toward them and gave them a watery smile.

“I, on the contrary, was less than okay. It was the final push over the edge. I had reached a point in my life and I didn’t know where I stood and what was my purpose. I reached the lowest point in life.”

He stopped talking and pressed his hand over his heart.

“I thought it was the end. Until I met my psychologist. One of a kind. It had been a long road and I have a lot to go through with her, but she really helped me. Compared to all the psychologists and psychiatrists from S.H.I.E.L.D., she was the first and only one who diagnosed my PTSD, body dysphoria, claustrophobia. Then, the most obvious like severe depression. It didn’t take a genius to notice my self-destructive actions. And yet no one in S.H.I.E.L.D questioned them. Jumping out of planes, buildings without parachutes…a bunch of incompetents.”

He laughed bitterly.

“I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Anyway, by now Bucky already proposed to you, Tony. I know it because he asked for the ring, he gave me before going to war. An engagement ring that I wore under my shirt all the time. And yeah, we were together during the war. But you were right Bucky, the Bucky I knew is dead and so is my lover.”

Bucky reeled back as if Steve had hit him.

“So, by now you are engaged and I have to find my own happiness. I can’t get dragged behind you like a puppy who’d eat the crumbs. I deserve better. Hell, you deserve better too. By the time you see this video, I’d be long gone. I have already given the shield to Sam and resigned from the Avengers. I love you both and I wish you to be happy.”

The video stopped there.

The couple stayed on the couch, frozen. His words played by in their mind.

“J-J’ is that a joke?” Tony asked with a broken voice.

“I’m afraid not, Sir. Steve Rogers has left the Tower yesterday at 11pm. He had already moved his furniture a few days prior. The shield is also not in the vicinity. The tracker revealed that Sam Wilson is in his possession.”

“Where is he?”

Silence.

“J, where is Steve?”

“I’m afraid that I can’t disclose this information. This information is encrypted. The only way you could have access to it is by giving the right override code. After three trials, the address will be deleted from my servers and the PROTECTOR program will take place. Every time you’ll get closer to find the address the program will lead you astray.”

Tony swore under his breath. He stood up, pulling Bucky with him.

“It’s going to be okay babe. I swear we’ll find him and explain everything to him.”

Bucky’s entire frame shook under his sobs. He vaguely heard Tony calling his name next to him. Bucky let himself fall on the floor and cried Steve’s name. As the pressure in his chest grew sharper, he surrendered to the pain.

Tony wasn’t faring well. His hands were trembling as he pushed Bucky on the couch. He knew he could have called the suit to hold him to the penthouse. Tony couldn’t think for the first time in his life. His thoughts were filled with Steve’s words. All of them. His brain tried to process and dissect each of them and it still didn’t make sense. Or it made so much sense that…

They should have been there. He should have refused the title of leader. Tony should have gone with his guts and tried harder.

‘ _It was the final push over the edge_.’

Tony shivered. He himself knew too well what he implied. After Afghanistan and Chitauri Tony had reached rock bottom. It wasn’t only with the help of Pepper and Rhodey and even JARVIS. He never were alone.

Tony glanced at the now black screen.

Steve had been alone.

For the first time in his life, Anthony Howard Stark didn’t have a solution.


End file.
